薇薇安的寫作小天地 Vivian's Writing Wonderland~~~

Coco and I have been planning on going back to USA sometime next year. I really look foward to it. It's been two years and a half now since I came back.

I need this.

Ever since I came back, I've been feeling depressed, like I'm a prisoner here. I don't feel free, I feel stressed. And most of this stress comes from my mom and the rest of the family. 

Back in the US, I felt like I was really living my own life. I do my own laundries, I cook, I do whatever however I want. Going out with friends on weekends, partying, waking up late on weekends. I was having my own life.

Being here in Taiwan is nothing like that, at all. Something in our culture, it's normal and reasonable to live with your parents. There's nothing to be ashamed of that. 

How can I live with that?

I can't disagree less with that!

All these years I was taught to be independent. And how do people expect me to be independent when I'm still living with my mom?

It doesn't make sense!

To our parents, it's all about the family. But just because I want to move out doesn't mean I don't care about this family anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love my mom anymore.

What do I have to do to make them understand that?

To be honest, I think it's almost impossible. Or say it's a long-term war.

I want to have my own life, I want to go out with my friends on weekends without being scolded at by my mom, I want to wake up late on weekends, and I want to do my own laundries.

Somehow, doing laundries on my own is somehow considered to be something bad....that my mom is an irresponsible mom.

Honestly, what is wrong with this?

I can't go on dates here because my mom pays too much attention to my own agenda.

If I go out with some guy, she will know.

If I'm chatting with someone on my phone too often, she knows.

Can you say that I'm not a prisoner?

I'm literally living a life she wants me to live, or a life for her.

I'm not living my life.

If I get the total privilege to live my life, it wouldn't be anything like this.

And she been asking me why I want to go there so much. It's only been two years and a half. I was there for a year already, wasn't that enough?

She gets so upset whenever I bring this up.

What she doesn't know is, I didn't even want to come back at all!

I came back because I had to finish my school here in Taiwan.

But I do miss my dog and he will be the ONLY reason why I would ever choose to stay.

But how can I tell her that?

This will crush her completely! But it's the truth...

This should be the time for me to work on my career or potential career, this time frame is essential.

I shouldn't be wasting my time here, on her.

It will hurt her and maybe even myself but I have to do what I have to do.

Everything comes with a price.

If I don't sacrifice her, I will hate her for the rest of my life, I know that for sure and I think she knows it, too.

But she's just too scared and too selfish to let me go.

I need this vacation, this trip, to get myself back. I'm losing myself here.

I remember the time when I was there and the time I came back. I really liked myself there, I was independent, I was living my life, and for the first time, I was free....

I got lonely sometimes or even homesick but that's necessary. It happens.

I can't keep staying here just because I'm scared of being alone without my family, and so should she.

The first few weeks when I came back, I was having a culture shock.

Can you believe that? I was having a culture shock over my own culture.

People keep wondering how I changed so much, so did I.

But I don't know, I guess USA is just a place where it would change people so easily.

I was very upset when I came back. I was the prisoner again... My mom wouldn't let me do my laundries, she wouldn't let me hang my own clothes, and the worst, she wanted to wash my underwears!

I was furious when she asked to do that but she couldn't understand it because I used to let her do that. She feels like I stole her job.

But the only reason why I was so furious is because I am a grown-up already, I should be the one doing all this for her, not the other way around!

In our culture, it's not like that at all.

Do I think this culture is sick? HELL YEAH!

No matter what I say to her, it's like talking to a wall, you'll never get your answer....

I remember around three years ago before I left for the US, I complained so much about my mom, about this problem with my friends.

And then I went to the US and seemingly, things seem to have gotten better. I was no longer the prisoner, I was finally free.

I was having so much fun!

And this problem hasn't appeared for a while, until lately. 

It all comes back....slowly.

All the feelings are back....The feelings I'm so familiar with...The feelings I've been trying to shake off but failed.

The United States of America isn't perfect, it's not even great to be honest. My mom keeps thinking I fantasize the US no matter how many times I've explained to her.

I love there for the reasons that I'm free, I get do live my life, I get to decide things on my own without reporting to my mom, without being rejected by my mom.

I don't love there because it's so perfect or because there are many guys I like.

I'm nothing like my mom and I never will. I'm a free spirit.

I could only pray to God that He will be with me to go through all this and help me fix it.