薇薇安的寫作小天地 Vivian's Writing Wonderland~~~

上了一個月的白天班，有時間整理檢視自己的許多不足，包含自己的感情觀．

一直以來，對愛情的處理方式都沒有太大的差別，除了對愛情的渴望和條件都變了．

越大越發現內心追求的和以往不同，以往總覺得外表勝過其他一切，身高，臉蛋．

而現在竟然把這些的順序都往後排了，躍居而上的，是內在，個性和才華．

不是老了，而是觀念變了，在乎的事情變了，

你需要100%的全心投入在上帝。上帝之外，家庭，愛情，工作也必須100%投入。

上星期去教會時牧師這樣說著，表示沒有百分之百的投入就是不夠。

百分之百的投入有多難，有可能做得到嗎？

論工作，總有遇到繁雜瑣事，想逃避的時候。

論家庭，總有分身乏術，分心的時候。

妳認為在愛情中，最美麗的時候，是什麼時候？

我認為是曖昧時期。

那種忽遠忽近，忽明忽暗，若有若無的感覺，渴望的一切似乎就快到手，卻又還有改變的空間。

曖昧的時候，就連呼出來的二氧化碳都是粉紅色的。整個人的氣場都是粉色系。每一次在曖昧時，都如經歷初戀一樣地美好，忐忑不安的心情，走起路來都像在跳躍。

但有沒有人和我一樣，就獨愛曖昧這期間，想把時間停留在這意義不明確卻羞澀的軌道上？

自從上班後才有這感覺，而且很強烈

為什麼人一畢業大致上就只有兩條路可以走？一，就業。二，繼續升學。

我就選擇了一。選擇一不是因為我不想繼續就業，而是我想到國外唸研究所但目前的經濟狀況不允許，而選擇就業。

但其實我並沒有想清楚就開始面試，以為自己知道自己要什麼，在追求什麼。但一心只想要再回去美國，工作內容及其他條件也都沒三思。

工作了幾個月後，很快地就迷失自我，失去方向。每天準時上下班打卡，有付出，但不知道自己在做什麼，沒有目標，沒有成就感。

之前在美國時就有做過網拍

當時唯一的心得就是:

我再也不要賺台灣人的錢! 

太難賺了!

甚麼都要殺價的觀念流傳了百年

Yesterday, I was browsing through Facebook and saw a notification on Facebook.

There were pictures of me and people I met the first weeks I met in the US. I surely miss the scene, the trees, the weather and everything.

But what surprised me was the time. It says 3 years ago.

3 YEARS

I didn't realize it's been that long. It feels just like yesterday, it was all so clear to me. I could still smell the grass, our conversations, where we went on the road trip.

當你稱讚外國的某件事物時，身邊很多朋友會開玩笑說崇洋媚外．

但真的是崇洋媚外嗎？

出國念過書的我，也時常比較台灣和美國．每當我比較時，媽媽常嗆我外國月亮都比較圓．

但今天我就是要澄清，外國月亮真的比較圓嗎？

有很多時候，其實真的不是一昧地批評或一昧地崇拜任何一個國家．

Coco and I have been planning on going back to USA sometime next year. I really look foward to it. It's been two years and a half now since I came back.

I need this.

Ever since I came back, I've been feeling depressed, like I'm a prisoner here. I don't feel free, I feel stressed. And most of this stress comes from my mom and the rest of the family. 

Back in the US, I felt like I was really living my own life. I do my own laundries, I cook, I do whatever however I want. Going out with friends on weekends, partying, waking up late on weekends. I was having my own life.

Being here in Taiwan is nothing like that, at all. Something in our culture, it's normal and reasonable to live with your parents. There's nothing to be ashamed of that. 

I've been back from the United States for two years and a half now. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't miss my angel.

Even if I have come back for so long, but my heart isn't. It's still left there, in the United States of America. I've been planning go back one day, either a simple visit or even work there.

I miss my life there, I miss my friends, and most importantly, I miss him, like crazy.

Last night, I was talking to my friend at the church, thanks to them, I got to know about this person. Without them, I wouldn't have known him, my life would have been so different.

For the past few months, I know he's somewhere else, he's not in Pennsylvania anymore. I just didn't know why. At first, I thought he's out of town for only a year, for some kind of Christian mission. 

Two years ago, I met my angel at a church in the United States.

I call him an angel because he is a true angel sent to me by God. He rescued me when I was at my lowest. Somehow he was always there to cheer me up when I'm down.

But the thing is, he doesn't know that, at all. He's just a hero in my heart, I never got the guts to tell him that, or maybe because we just don't know each other that much.

To most people, it sounds crazy, like crazy! But I know there's definitely something big between us, God sent him for a reason. To most people, it's impossible. But to God, nothing is.

I saw one of his friends' post on Instagram the other day, he's madly in love with this girl. So is this girl. She believes they can overcome most things and grow together. What they have is real, despite the fact that many people might not understand it, they do and that's all that matters to them.

There are times when I think I'm completely over my ex. I don't think about him anymore, I don't feel sad anymore, there's basically nothing left to feel.

But there are so many times when I hear something he used to say often from someone else, it's like someone pinched me on the heart. I guess that feeling will never go away.

We used to use this app that we think it's our "thing" and this app makes a cute "zoop" sound whenever you receive a message from someone. I was using Wechat today, to be honest, I'm not a fan of this app at all, it made a zoop sound when I got a message!

My heart sank. Everything we had, everything we did, everything we talked about all came back to me like it never had left. I remember how I used to anticipate the zoop sound from him, how I used to wait until he messages me, and how much I liked him. I remember it all too well. It all came back. 

Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone but so hard to forget someone and move on?

I've always wanted to grow up and start working when I was still a student. Do I regret that? Don't even ask.

Many would say it's important to have a dream job or at least a job you enjoy having. I agreed but not as much as I do now. I thought working is all the same, how bad or good could it be?

I was WRONG.

I thought working at Newegg would be something cool since it's a big company with some fame, maybe working there would help with my future career although I don't think my future career has anything to do with IT industry...

But still, I could meet tons a successful people who might be able to help me in the future.